my baby sister joined me in propagating heteronormativity.

she's found a partner in life.

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it's that time of the year again, judging from what happened last year.

i got sick, am sick.

it's just the flu. but damnit, this flu has taken a week of my life.

well, it's given me life.

it has given me a week to be at home, in me. to be with me. to watch and learn from others how to be at peace with me.

i was really heartbroken that i couldn't go for the camping trip, it was the highlight of the month. i raged against life, against providence, against uncertainties, .. i actually said "it's not fair".

of course it isn't. life never is. i just forgot to be grateful when i got the better end of the stick. and i have. i have family who care about me being home alone, who bring me food, who call me.

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aiyeeeee!! I've been quoted here

.. aiyeeee....

.. it's been 5 months - a lifetime happened in 5 months (so says my melodramatic self)..

ectopic pregnancy - bye bye fallopian tube - hello guilt and sadness.

lectured at university malaya - hello lousy malay - hello new identity, hello insecurities, hello failing / passing / excelling students. hello appreciating the work the women before have courageously, lovingly done.

writers for women's rights book launch - hello new persona - hello being a PUBLISHED! hello hello.

chit-chatting ethnicity  - hello hello finding out that there is a 3rd way of not to be consumed by our ethnic identity and politics. talking about a revolution...

leading. young women. writing. discovering. the power within us. within our words. that are our walls. our bridges. .

phuket - hello new lenses and perspectives on life.. sex work (damn the article is not online to be linked)

and finally life. life is pain. but suffering is a choice. acceptance, forgiveness and love. that pain. walk in the shoes of the abused to understand, feel and be human. i'm sorry i just got angry. i got angry because i was powerless, i couldn't defend you from the  pain that he caused you both. it was the coward's way of showing power, of being in control. i thought you wouldn't let me get back at him because you loved him more, and didn't care about my pain. but now i know, you didn't want me to because you loved me. you didn't want me to rage against life. yet i continued. letting it define me. letting rage make me fear. hate. dread. you said you will be going in the dream and i followed you. i followed you because i couldn't let you go. for 10 years i couldn't say goodbye. i'm sorry. goodbye. my guilt is here to stay, but it is a part of me. it doesn't define me.  you tell me you are proud of me.  that you love me. i love you too. you are stronger that i ever gave you credit for. rest. rest. rest.

i couldn't protect him. from himself. i lost him as he rode away. to the salted waters.

the pain continues. in standing there - accepting the pain as the bricks of abuse, accusation showers. it's pain. it's who we believed we are. it's who we think we should continue to protect. Apologize. i'm sorry, please forgive me. i love you.

float with the flow of the river and close your eyes. the sun wraps your skin, sun shining through your eyelids, as the water cools your back. roll over like a barrel and laugh. laugh again. play. . with no end in mind. . just play because it tickles. plain and simple.

i'm expanding i'm growing. i'm walking ahead.  i was afraid you will not catch up - you'll find me when you come looking - i have to go first, to save myself.

run. run. run. run. run. no more.